CELEBRITY
Peacocking: The NFL is America’s religion, so why must fans pay extra to worship?
My fellow Americans, our democracy is now truly in peril. The evidence is as obvious as the icicles on Andy Reed’s moustache this past Saturday night.
About 23 million people watched the Kansas City-Miami freezer game on Peacock. That made it the most streamed live event in U.S. history. It was also the most successful consumer gouging experiment in U.S. history.
“Streamed” means you had to pay extra to watch. The NFL was already in the streaming business, but Chiefs-Dolphins was the first playoff game that was behind a paywall. It won’t be the last, and that could lead to a constitutional crisis.
Freedom of religion is an inalienable right, and the NFL has become our national religion. Ninety-three of the top 100 TV shows last year were NFL games.
That’s why NBCUniversal paid the NFL $110 million to show KC-Miami. It knew football addicts would pay $5.95 for a one-month Peacock subscription, even though they couldn’t care less about watching “Dr. G: Medical Examiner” or anything else on Peacock.
You don’t have to be a QAnon member to foresee a paywalled playoff. Congress might threaten to take away the NFL’s antitrust exemption, but who are we kidding?
If the NFL will pay $235 million for Deshaun Watson, it will gladly give gold bars and autographed Patrick Mahomes jerseys to politicians who will look favorably on the streaming revolution.
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Imagine a future where you have to pay $24.95 to watch the Super Bowl on Amazon. It seems sacrilegious, but another inalienable right is the pursuit of life, liberty and making all money you possibly can.
The NFL is certainly good at that last one. …
Stud of the Week: The Bucs for crushing Philadelphia in the playoff wild card game. Of Miami, Jacksonville and Tampa Bay, who’da thunk at the start of the season that the Bucs would be the last team standing? …
Stud II: Andy Reid’s moustache. His ice-covered stache gave new meaning to the phrase “frozen tundra.”
Dud of the Week: ESPN, which confessed to submitting fake names to win almost 40 Emmy Awards for “College GameDay” over a 13-year span. The National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences became suspicious after ESPN announced Stephen A. Smith won this year’s Nobel Prize for literature. …
Before we go further, a moment of silence for last week’s departures of Nick Saban, Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll. Thank God that Taylor Swift didn’t announce her retirement from Travis Kelce, or the sports world would have fallen completely off its axis. …
Officials stripped Chinese chess champion Yan Chenglong of his title after his victory celebration. Chinese media reported that Yan “excreted in the bathtub of his hotel room, which damaged the hotel’s public property and violated public order and morals.”
All I know is if I ever check into a Beijing Days Inn and hear the Chinese chess champ stayed in my room, I’m not taking a bath. …
Entitlement Spending: USA Today reports the Dodgers will be paying $83 million in deferred money to Shohei Ohtani ($68 million), Mookie Betts ($10 million) and Freddie Freeman ($5 million) in 2039. If the Social Security Administration takes over MLB, those payments will be reduced to $349.68. …
Blutarsky Award Watch: Former Texas, Nebraska and FAU quarterback Casey Thompson announced last week that he’s transferring to Oklahoma for his seventh season. If things don’t work out, Thompson can reprise John “Zero Point Zero GPA” Blutarsky’s famous line from “Animal House.”
“Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the Peace Corps.” …
Breaking News: ESPN has announced Lee Corso has won the 2024 Heisman Trophy. ….
Liberty U. was roasted last week for proudly posting on X that the football team’s cumulative GPA was 2.96. Florida’s team GPA in the fall was 3.15, which was .15 higher than its SEC win total. …
Entitlement II: Ole Miss has the best recruiting class in the football portal, according to 247Sports. (We don’t count Colorado, since Deion Sanders fires 90% of his team every offseason). To meet budgetary constraints, $83 million in NIL payments will be deferred to 2039. …
Saban Domino Effect: Mike Norvell, Steve Sarkisian and Dan Lanning got raises last week to keep them from getting poached by Alabama. Michigan gave Connor Stalions a new set of fake moustaches and glasses. …
Portal Update: Faber College quarterback John Blutarsky is transferring to Liberty University. …
If Netflix ever gets the Chinese Chess Championships, I will gladly pay $10.95 not to see the victory party at the winner’s hotel. …
That’s about all the space we have for this week’s Whitley’s Believe It Or Not. Thank you for reading and letting me know that my seven years in college didn’t go completely down the drain.
David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun’s sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley
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